23. long time no speak.

well, a lot has happened.
cba to mention any of it.

the snow's over. thank god. was a bit fed up of falling over in front of people like a twat, and having to wear 3 pairs of socks.

i'm applying to work at tesco. my friend (well, a guy who fancies me) is gonna recommend me to his manager. if i do work there, it'll be good, cause it's 5 minutes from my house, and i can work as much as possible, and get loads of money, and be off my face all the time. good times :)

i'm actually really ill at the moment, which means i'm having time off school again, which is shit because i'm so far behind. but ah well, what can i fucking do about it?! i can barely move i'm so ill :/ i dont know what the hell happened. i've been like this since saturday evening.

i stayed round lee's on friday, woke up at about midday on saturday, went to the park with lee and got high, went back to his and watched tv, walked home and had another spliff even though i wasn't feeling too good. i fell asleep on my sofa and felt even more sick when i woke up, but lee and i had bought an 8th on friday night and there was about one spliff's worth left, so we met up again and had that. i then had a shit night sleep and woke up really early.

i felt like crap all sunday. i saw lee for a bit and that cheered me up, but i still felt sick. and my sunday night was bollocks.

was in bed by about 8. while texting lee and dave (tesco guy) before going to sleep, lee asked me out and i awkwardly said i'd rather just be seeing each other still, and dave told me he fancied me and apologised repeatedly for it. after sorting all that out, and ringing cara in tears telling her i couldn't meet up with her cause i felt so ill, i fell asleep around 8.30.

i then woke up at about midnight, and felt even worse, and also felt like it was morning (i thought it was for about half an hour). i then read my texts and had loads from lee, dave, and cara, so i stayed up and texted them til about 2.30, when i fell back asleep. when i woke up at 6 because of my alarm, i felt sick, tired, and pissed off, so i told my mum i wasn't going to school, and went back to sleep. i've spent the day on facebook, basically, so i'm in a bit of a shit mood. and i'm finally feeling up to smoking weed and i dont have any :(

oh well, i'm gonna stop complaining. and writing, cause i dunno what else to put.

i haven't posted in so long that i've sort of forgotten what's going on, so i cant exactly update, but nobody reads this anyway, so it's cool.

peace out. x




who makes you feel - dido
disenchanted [live] - my chemical romance
me & u - cassie
oh oh oh sexy vampire - fright ranger

22. life :(

people keep saying i've changed, but i dont understand how i'm supposed to not change when all these shit things keep happening. i'm feeling desperate for anything to pull me out of this, drugs, anything.

i feel like i'm drowning, and nothing can save me, or wants to. nothing ever changes, even if you try your hardest to make it. i'm feeling more isolated from everyone now, and i know this means depression, but i'm doing all i can to stop it taking hold.

unfortunately the only thing that stops this feeling is good old marijuana. everything else in life just fails at the moment.

i cba to write anything about what's going on. loads of shit's happened, but i just cant face sitting down and writing it all down.

i will say, that for the first time while being really high, my depression hasn't gone... i feel better, but it's still there. and i smoked some fucking high grade... quite alot of it...

maybe this is how it's a gateway drug- you look for something else to get you high cause weed stops working as well. well hopefully i wont become so stupid that i start taking them. harder drugs, i mean.



come and get me - timbaland feat. tony yayo and 50 cent
kill yourself - timbaland feat. sebastian and attitude

21. oh my god, it's 2010.

i just read my blog, and my last post, and noticed that it was the first one to be written this year, and i didn't mention new year ONCE.

i haven't written in about a week, so lots of things have happened. but i cant really be bothered to mention them. i've got high every day for like the past 3 weeks, lee's back from amsterdam, tom's still ignoring me, i'm back at school now which makes the actual face-to-face-blanking alot more noticable, i'm being civil with franky, although i'm a bit pissed off at him at the moment...

and actually, although i cba'd to talk about what's been happening recently, there's something i really need to mention...

franky was fucking devastated when i started hanging round with lee. he's completely stopped talking to him, has been insulting him on facebook like he does to me, and stuff like that. and yet, franky's doing the same thing with somebody else. lee, franky and ryan hang around together all the time. although now, since the whole me-and-lee thing, it's either franky and ryan, or lee and ryan (who went to amsterdam too, by the way). and NOW franky's getting on ryan's ex from a few weeks ago!! i am so pissed off about it, i just dont have words, so i'm going to stop writing now... 2 posts is enough for one day anyway... but... grrrrrrrrrr. it's very frustrating. i can tell today wont be good, i might just sleep it off and wait for another snow day tomorrow...

peace out. x

20. snowwwwwww :) liiiiiiiiiiiiiife :(

well, on the one hand, there's about 11 inches of snow, which is amazing for where i live, and it looks all amazing, and the school's closed.

on the other hand, i'm still fat, new years resolutions failing at life. also, all boys are wankers, and i cant think of a single guy i know without thinking about how wankerish he is.

lee seems so nice, but i know he cant be. there are constant lovey-dovey messages on his facebook from his 'ex', who doesn't seem to know they've 'broken up'... i mean, he never comments back to them, but he doesn't comment me back either... maybe this is just how he treats girls? if he isn't actually SEEN flirting back with them, then he cant get in trouble for it...

the horrible thing, is that he acts the same way i've been acting around guys since i broke up with franky. i never used to act like this, but...

every guy that flirts with me, i flirt back with. if any guy tries to kiss me, i kiss him back. etc. and yet i never mention dating, and just try and keep it sort of... not-up-for-discussion. i've been asked out a couple times since breaking up with franky, and both times i've said no, i'm not interested in a relationship, and tthat i just wanna be single. basically "yeah, you're nice, but if i go out with you, i cant see other guys too."

i never thought about how harsh this is until it's happening to me... but then again, it doesn't hurt as much as what tom did. doesn't hurt as much as what happened with ollie either. but it's just... knowing that he could invite me round his house, we could watch a movie together, end up doing stuff, then he could just go round some other girls house that evening, without it being my business, is depressing...

but, i know what'll make me feel better, and that's getting reeeeeeeally high round his house and watching yesman.

trudging through the snow for like half an hour or more is the bit i'm not so much looking forward to... might just lau the whole thing off and stay in bed and online all day...

incase you think "shitt, there's no music at the end of this blog..." it's because my ipod's upstairs :( it's very unusual for me not to have music playing. i have my phone, but my mum hates all the music on it and it doesn't have headphones. oh well, see ya. x