25. happy again, just like that.

well, me and lee aren't arguing any more.
and dickhead tom is not only talking to me, he's actually maybe considering paying me my money back.
and franky and me are on talking terms, and he's got a new girlfriend.
i'm now well enough to be in school and do my mocky-mocks, in a room on my own, but not really in exam conditions, so i can talk to people, get cups of coffee, and text.
i'm not losing any more weight, which is annoying, but everything else is going alright.

i'm high as a motherfucker right now, which is nice :)

ooh, did i tell you? i'm going away with cara during half term (next week, monday to friday) - cant wait. it'll be good to get away from bicester and everyone, and i haven't seen matty or emily (cara's step-brother and sister) in ages- more than half a year i think. CANT WAIT :)
will be updating this blog if i remember though :P

ooh, i've just realised something...
'if you seek amy', by britney spears, is a bit shit.

anyway, peace out, peeps, talk soon :) x




if i were in your shoes - you me at six
if it's lovin' that you want - rihanna
if you seek amy - britney spears
in the sun - joseph arthur

24. suicide.

well it's starting to seem like an amazing idea.

all this stuff has happened in my life since i last posted, and i really cba to mention it all.

i'm so stressed out, and i just cant help thinking that the only way to escape it all is just to top myself.

then franky would realise what a dick he's being. and lee would as well, though he's no where near as much of a dick in the first place. maybe tom would realise as well, but i doubt it. then my friends would actually WANT to spend time with me. and my parents wouldn't be wishing i was perfect, they'd just be wishing i was still here.

it's the perfect solution, the only problem is that i dont want to give up. which i guess is a good thing, cause it makes it alot less likely that i'll actually kill myself, but it still feels like shit.

i was to get put back on anti-depressants, but i dont know if they'll do it. need to go see the doctor. desperately.

i've been ill for a week and a half now, and stressed out, depressed, having panic attacks, crying constantly, and having pointless arguments. anyway, i dont want to put any more, i'm gonna go to bed. (well i have been awake for a whole hour now...)

peace out.



this love, this hate - hollywood undead

23. long time no speak.

well, a lot has happened.
cba to mention any of it.

the snow's over. thank god. was a bit fed up of falling over in front of people like a twat, and having to wear 3 pairs of socks.

i'm applying to work at tesco. my friend (well, a guy who fancies me) is gonna recommend me to his manager. if i do work there, it'll be good, cause it's 5 minutes from my house, and i can work as much as possible, and get loads of money, and be off my face all the time. good times :)

i'm actually really ill at the moment, which means i'm having time off school again, which is shit because i'm so far behind. but ah well, what can i fucking do about it?! i can barely move i'm so ill :/ i dont know what the hell happened. i've been like this since saturday evening.

i stayed round lee's on friday, woke up at about midday on saturday, went to the park with lee and got high, went back to his and watched tv, walked home and had another spliff even though i wasn't feeling too good. i fell asleep on my sofa and felt even more sick when i woke up, but lee and i had bought an 8th on friday night and there was about one spliff's worth left, so we met up again and had that. i then had a shit night sleep and woke up really early.

i felt like crap all sunday. i saw lee for a bit and that cheered me up, but i still felt sick. and my sunday night was bollocks.

was in bed by about 8. while texting lee and dave (tesco guy) before going to sleep, lee asked me out and i awkwardly said i'd rather just be seeing each other still, and dave told me he fancied me and apologised repeatedly for it. after sorting all that out, and ringing cara in tears telling her i couldn't meet up with her cause i felt so ill, i fell asleep around 8.30.

i then woke up at about midnight, and felt even worse, and also felt like it was morning (i thought it was for about half an hour). i then read my texts and had loads from lee, dave, and cara, so i stayed up and texted them til about 2.30, when i fell back asleep. when i woke up at 6 because of my alarm, i felt sick, tired, and pissed off, so i told my mum i wasn't going to school, and went back to sleep. i've spent the day on facebook, basically, so i'm in a bit of a shit mood. and i'm finally feeling up to smoking weed and i dont have any :(

oh well, i'm gonna stop complaining. and writing, cause i dunno what else to put.

i haven't posted in so long that i've sort of forgotten what's going on, so i cant exactly update, but nobody reads this anyway, so it's cool.

peace out. x




who makes you feel - dido
disenchanted [live] - my chemical romance
me & u - cassie
oh oh oh sexy vampire - fright ranger

22. life :(

people keep saying i've changed, but i dont understand how i'm supposed to not change when all these shit things keep happening. i'm feeling desperate for anything to pull me out of this, drugs, anything.

i feel like i'm drowning, and nothing can save me, or wants to. nothing ever changes, even if you try your hardest to make it. i'm feeling more isolated from everyone now, and i know this means depression, but i'm doing all i can to stop it taking hold.

unfortunately the only thing that stops this feeling is good old marijuana. everything else in life just fails at the moment.

i cba to write anything about what's going on. loads of shit's happened, but i just cant face sitting down and writing it all down.

i will say, that for the first time while being really high, my depression hasn't gone... i feel better, but it's still there. and i smoked some fucking high grade... quite alot of it...

maybe this is how it's a gateway drug- you look for something else to get you high cause weed stops working as well. well hopefully i wont become so stupid that i start taking them. harder drugs, i mean.



come and get me - timbaland feat. tony yayo and 50 cent
kill yourself - timbaland feat. sebastian and attitude

21. oh my god, it's 2010.

i just read my blog, and my last post, and noticed that it was the first one to be written this year, and i didn't mention new year ONCE.

i haven't written in about a week, so lots of things have happened. but i cant really be bothered to mention them. i've got high every day for like the past 3 weeks, lee's back from amsterdam, tom's still ignoring me, i'm back at school now which makes the actual face-to-face-blanking alot more noticable, i'm being civil with franky, although i'm a bit pissed off at him at the moment...

and actually, although i cba'd to talk about what's been happening recently, there's something i really need to mention...

franky was fucking devastated when i started hanging round with lee. he's completely stopped talking to him, has been insulting him on facebook like he does to me, and stuff like that. and yet, franky's doing the same thing with somebody else. lee, franky and ryan hang around together all the time. although now, since the whole me-and-lee thing, it's either franky and ryan, or lee and ryan (who went to amsterdam too, by the way). and NOW franky's getting on ryan's ex from a few weeks ago!! i am so pissed off about it, i just dont have words, so i'm going to stop writing now... 2 posts is enough for one day anyway... but... grrrrrrrrrr. it's very frustrating. i can tell today wont be good, i might just sleep it off and wait for another snow day tomorrow...

peace out. x

20. snowwwwwww :) liiiiiiiiiiiiiife :(

well, on the one hand, there's about 11 inches of snow, which is amazing for where i live, and it looks all amazing, and the school's closed.

on the other hand, i'm still fat, new years resolutions failing at life. also, all boys are wankers, and i cant think of a single guy i know without thinking about how wankerish he is.

lee seems so nice, but i know he cant be. there are constant lovey-dovey messages on his facebook from his 'ex', who doesn't seem to know they've 'broken up'... i mean, he never comments back to them, but he doesn't comment me back either... maybe this is just how he treats girls? if he isn't actually SEEN flirting back with them, then he cant get in trouble for it...

the horrible thing, is that he acts the same way i've been acting around guys since i broke up with franky. i never used to act like this, but...

every guy that flirts with me, i flirt back with. if any guy tries to kiss me, i kiss him back. etc. and yet i never mention dating, and just try and keep it sort of... not-up-for-discussion. i've been asked out a couple times since breaking up with franky, and both times i've said no, i'm not interested in a relationship, and tthat i just wanna be single. basically "yeah, you're nice, but if i go out with you, i cant see other guys too."

i never thought about how harsh this is until it's happening to me... but then again, it doesn't hurt as much as what tom did. doesn't hurt as much as what happened with ollie either. but it's just... knowing that he could invite me round his house, we could watch a movie together, end up doing stuff, then he could just go round some other girls house that evening, without it being my business, is depressing...

but, i know what'll make me feel better, and that's getting reeeeeeeally high round his house and watching yesman.

trudging through the snow for like half an hour or more is the bit i'm not so much looking forward to... might just lau the whole thing off and stay in bed and online all day...

incase you think "shitt, there's no music at the end of this blog..." it's because my ipod's upstairs :( it's very unusual for me not to have music playing. i have my phone, but my mum hates all the music on it and it doesn't have headphones. oh well, see ya. x

19. today should be a good day.

new years eve, at last. last day of 2009.

going out round my best mate's sister's house. em (the sister) says i can smoke weed in her garden, which is good, cause i dont wanna drink really, but i wanna be off my face.

my new years resolution is going to be to not eat chocolate or sweets. or buy snacks when i'm out.
most people would say, given that i have millions of bad habits, that i should quit smoking, quit drugs, join the gym, get a healthy sleeping habit.

but in all truthfulness, i dont give a shit about healthiness, i just want to be thin again. used to be anorexic, and i just want that thinness again, okay?!

at the end of the day, my final, decided, perfect new years resolution is this: get to 7st 7lbs. 7 and a half stone. not to bad, right? i mean, could be worse. i'm 8st 9 at the moment, i think. well, i dont remember exactly, i try not to weigh myself any more. but i know i'm fucking fat, and i cant stand it any more.

i dont care if i have to go back to looking at pro-anorexia websites. or reading journals or something. i just want to trigger myself back into it for a year or so.

today's not a good day, particularly, i'm very ill, bad cough and sore throat mostly.

but hopefully i'll be able to get bud today, so i'll have to walk to pick it up. then i'll have to walk all the way across the town i live in, and to a nearby village, because that's where my friend lives.

and i'm not going to eat anything else today. i can get the munchies as bad as i want - at the end of the day, it's just me being greedy, like normal, it's just like the drug's amplifying the feeling. i've already had a bowl of crunchy nut this morning. luckily, not so ludicrously tasty- dont want any more xP

it's not even 10 yet, during the holidays, and i'm awake, breakfasted, and going to have a shower as soon as my mum's finished in the bathroom. then back online to find a dealer. then out to pick up. then back to get ready, then out with cara, then to her sister em's house :D

i think it's gonna be a good day- i hope so anyway. and all of this, with no guys included. guys only make things worse, really. all they do is bring you down.

one of the reasons i've been gaining weight so much recently is that i'm a really bad comfort eater, and i've been having a really bad time recently. over the last month or two, all i've done is eat when i'm upset, then cheer myself up by getting high, then eating loads more. it's a really bad habit, so now it's gonna be a new year, and i'm determined, like almost everybody else in the UK, that things are gonna change! i'll let you know how it's going next time i write...

oh, i wish i'd written this while i was really high, rather than just a bit last night, cause last time was so funny... honestly dont think there are many things more entertaining. but i gotta read it back through now to make sure it's not too retarded...
peace out. x




3 AM - eminem
my mom - eminem
bagpipes from baghdad - eminem
hello - eminem

18. bad mood gone, i'm kaned (Y)

well, life is good, isn't it?

i was annoyed earlier, cause i hardly seem to go out at the moment, just seem to sit in front of the computer/ lay in bed watching skins, all day. then a couple of mates i met through tom, keiran and jack, called for me and we went on an epic mission in the rain to find an open garage we could sit in to make a spliff. that was alright, though we were mostly just complaining about the cold the whole time. and by the time we found a decent, open garage to sit in, they both had to be home, so we just ground the bud, then put it back in the bag for another time. the thing that annoyed me was that i was telling them about tom stealing a tenner then ignoring me, after he'd asked me out, and then keiran told me that tom had been bragging to them about stealing my money, and taking the piss out of my name, and telling them that he was gonna shag me then dump me, THEN telling them that we'd fucked - which, no fucking chance mate. i couldn't help but get really upset, though it didn't hit me til i was sitting home alone on facebook yet again...

but i just went out and had a spliff, so i feel much better now. this wasn't as much an angry rant as it usually would be, cause i'm really chilled out now, it's just me keeping you up to date, so i dont have to ramble on about it at a later date before i can say something else.

i cant think of anything else i need to update you with at the moment, except that lee hasn't texted me for a day and a half now, so i'm thinking he might just turn out to be a dick yet. woo. i know that's a bit presumptuous, but i'm just waiting for him to turn out a wanker, and i want it to be sooner, rather than later, when i've fucked him and got all attached...

oh, and there's something else as well. wow, i'm on a roll today, i keep expecting to have forgotten what i'm saying halfway through a sentance, but this seems to be going okay. it's alot easier when you can read back over what you're saying. anyway, the something esle was, i have to get up at 5.30 tomorrow, because my dad's picking me and my mum up to drive us to the police station in oxford for my caution. it's going to be really awkward in the car, as my mum gets really travelsick when she sits in the back of cars, so she'll have to sit next to my dad, which i'm actually more worried about than the actual caution. you see, my parents HATE each other. it'll be horrible. and we have to be there by 8AM, so my dads picking us up between 7AM and 7.15, which means i'm giving myself an hour and a half to get ready... great, so i'll look even more shit than usual while getting told off by the police.

i know i sound really ranty, but i'm not bothered about any of this at all right now. and this, ladies and gentlemen, is the perfection of life that is, weed. i think i'm overdoing it a bit at the moment, because i'm smoking it every day just to have a good time, but i'm having such a crap time in general at the moment, that i just need a pick-me-up. i know some people think of this as a bad thing, that drugs make you forget all the crap and take you out of reality a little bit- i mean, that's the attraction of heroin and shit, isn't it?- but really, nothing bad can come of it. weed doesn't have a physical addiction, and you cant OD on it, so whats the problem with getting temporarily a bit hooked on it? and i know that druggies say 'temporarily' and it means fuck all, but with me it's different (i know that's a cliche too), because i know if i had to go without it, due to lack of funds, i wouldn't have a massive problem. and if i ever needed to stop, i know i could. i'm the same with cigarettes. i honestly just dont thinki i have an addictive personality. i know this all sounds a load of addict bullshit, but it's the truth, and if i have anywhere to be truthful other than my thoughts, it's a blog in the middle of cyberspace that nobody that knows me knows about, so i'm just coming out with what's in my head, to be honest.

i know that for the most of this post, it's ramblings and gibberish, and i look forward to reading it when sober, so thanks for reading (that way if anybody does actually ever read this, they'll know it's appreciated.) wow. gotta stop babbling. anyway, peace out. x




everything - p money
get sexy - the sugababes
falling - agent x feat. mutya and ultra
work - the saturdays
confusion girl (shame shame shame) - frankmusik feat. tinchy stryder
this time - dj antoine
all or nothing - n-force
sunchyme 09 - dario g

17. christmas and christmas-related things. sort of.

well, happy christmas. today, i got a new phone. and other random things i'll have forgotten about in a few weeks/days. oh, and £20 to buy an 8th next time i can be bothered. the phone is really good though, and it only has 2gb of memory (compared with a 160gb ipod), but it's fit loads of my music on, so i'm really happy with that :)

and anyway, i haven't written in ages (well, 3 days... that's a long time for me...), so, you dont know that i'm practically going out with lee. he's franky (my ex's) best mate, well one of them. this makes things complicated. plus we've kind of liked each other since before me and franky even knew each other. but anyway, he's just so NICE. and i thought he was only in it for one thing, which is why i was suprised by him being so consistantly non-dickheadish, but it turns out he actually likes me.

then again, i think this about EVERY guy who ever likes me. oh, i bet he's a dickhead. and his reputation certainly says that. but he seems so nice. then you go through the whole we've-just-met-and-we-never-stop-texting bit, which makes you think he's even nicer, for being so attentive and paying you so much attention. then comes the "so, are you gonna sleep with me? i'm now never going to talk to you unless it's about sex or you lending me money." and, well this has happened to me with so many guys. and happened with ollie tonight. he's always going on about how he really likes me, and wants to go out with me, and really cares about me, and is happy to be just friends so he can spend time with me, then suddenly, the texting stops, and like a week or just under that later, i get a message from him on facebook "wanna meet up tonight and get laid? lol". well, that's it. i've been told by SO MANY PEOPLE that he just fucks girls and doesn't give a shit about them, but he seemed genuinly nice. and so does lee, plus he's more shy, which just seems sweeter. it doesn't work out too well though, cause we both really like each other, but i'm like the shyest person ever, and he's really shy too, so we just walk around talking and holding hands and stuff. it's really nice, and we had our first kiss last night, so i dont really mind.

he's going to amsterdam for 8 days the day after boxing day, so i'm gonna try not to miss him seeing as we're not even like going out or anything. it's so hard not to get attached, but then again, at least we haven't slept together yet. which is quite suprising. the other day (day before yesterday, actually, cause i was grounded before that), he was like "i have a free house, you should come round ;)" i needed to go into town first for some last-minute christmas shopping, then back to my mums for a shower, but i said sure. i shaved everything, put on sexy undies, went round, we put on a funny film... then we sat in silence next to each other for hours barely touching and laughing awkwardly xD

okay, so it wasn't anywhere near as bad as that...
but it was pretty bad. but it was his 18th birthday recently and he got given a big bottle of russian vodka, so we both had 2 double vodka and cokes. and we talked a fair bit, and went out into his garage for a couple fags. and we were holding hands by the end of the film. but his parents were due back then, and i had to go home at some point soon, and needed to make a detour to the shop for cigarettes, so we just chatted awkwardly, and left.

next time, i dont think it'll be quite that awkward...
i mean, we've kissed once, hugged alot, and held hands alot since that nervous first time, so things should be okay.

even though i'm shy, people seem to think i'm a bit of a slag. i dont really get why- i've only slept (or done anything with, for that matter) one person, who i was in a serious relationship with. and i dont exactly go to parties every weekend, getting off with everyone in the room. i mean, i go to the parties, but i dont slag about while i'm there, like most of my friends, because i'm just not that sort of person. i'm way too shy, and even if i weren't, i dont think i'd do that.

anyway, i've been rambling for quite a while now, and my brother's waiting to go on my dad's laptop, so i'd better come off now. 2009 is the best year of my life so far, by far :) no depression, no anorexia, no general teenage angst. okay, some of all of that, but not that much. not compared to previous years. plus, i had the whole franky thing this year. and that was good. it was actually when i started dating him that i was consistantly happy for the first time in my life, really. just before summer this year. but it wasn't him, well, not just him, it was the gain in confidence that made me happier, even if that was caused by him. so yeah, this year has been great. i just hope that the years continue to improve, really. PEACE OUT. x



holiday - dizzee rascal
i could say - lily allen
i don't wanna go to sleep - n-dubz
knock 'em out - lily allen
new in town - little boots
old time's sake - eminem feat. dr. dre

16. missing the ex...

i really miss franky.
he's the guy i broke up with the other week.

it's not that i miss him specifically, i dont think. i just miss having somebody to cuddle up to when things went wrong, and who always cared so much :( i just cant seem to stop crying at the moment, and i know that none of the guys in my life would, or could ever care as much as he used to care. he was so wrong for me, and i never liked him any where near as much as he liked me. it was a rare case of it actually being "best for him" if we broke up, even if he doesn't/didn't see it. but now i'm feeling sorry for myself, little old me all on my own, which is rediculous, because it's all my fault, and because i still think i made the right decision...

anyway, just really needed to whine for a bit, and i've done just that, so i'm gonna go and watch scrubs, cause it'll stop me crying, hopefully :) then again, i might just listen to some happy music instead of depressing shit...
anyway, peace out. x



i miss you - incubus
always attract - you me at six
ghosts - laura marling

15. guys, again :(

i know, ALL my posts are about men. except the last one, obviously. but still :(

i've realised something- out of the 3 guys that i hang around with at the moment, 2 want to date me, 1 just wants to fuck me. and the 1 that just wants sex is the only one i want to go out with..

then again, i'm already seeing tom, one of the guys who wants to date me...
and he's started talking to me again now, even if only to pester me to stay round his house...
which, obviously, i cant, cause i'm grounded :D
there are up-sides to it :)

anyway, i really have to go...
peace out! x



the dope show - marilyn manson.
the dope show - marilyn manson.

14. "it's a long story..."

but, erm, you're gonna hear it anyway...

basically, me and my friend got caught shoplifting yesterday.
wow, if you didn't have a low opinion of me already, you do now...
then again, nobody reads this, so i dont really care...

basically, we were about to leave topshop, and this woman who saw us pressed the alarm, and made us take the stuff out of our bags and follow her back through the shop, up through the second floor, topman, and into the back room. she called the police, who took and an hour and a half the show up, then they called our parents, and searched our bags.

they found we both had shoes from new look, and marched us there, dragging us all through the shop and out the back to apologize to the manager. we got banned from both shops, and the managers actually were very lenient, saying that we weren't going to be arrested, and that we could go home.

they said they'd call soon to tell us whether we were being prosecuted or just getting like a formal caution for it. they called me this morning, and told me that i have to go to the police station in the city we were shopping in for a disciplanery something-or-other, and that i'mnot being prosecuted, or getting a criminal record, which is brilliant news :)

so, yeah, i'm gonna probably not do that from now on...
well, i wont be so stupidly reckless. everybody always used to tell me that i was really reckless with it, cause i've never given a shit about getting caught before, but my parents basically didn't do anything this time, except ground me for a couple of days and give me a bit of a lecture, so i dont want to do it again, as i've convinced them i'm a changed person...

they have a lot of respect, and trust for me- well, my mum does- and i've never done anything to break that trust before, so it's gonna take a bit of rebuilding...

anyway, a new blog for my general news, i think...
peace out for now. x




who knew - eminem
the bird and the worm - the used
kill the lights - the birthday massacre
the dope show - marilyn manson

13. life.

it's probably a good thing that nobody i know (or anybody i dont know, for that matter...) reads my blog. it's bloody weird, and i only skim-read a couple of posts...

anyway, last night sucked a bit. went to my dads at about 5, and then walked round the shop. talked to a couple of toms (and his ex's) mates from the smokers crowd at school. chatted with them for a bit, they were going on about how much of a dickhead tom is (i was agreeing obviously), then i left. while walking home, i called tom with my number on withheld, and he picked up. i asked if he was still coming out, and he said he was, and that of course i'd get my money back, and that he was at his nans, but he'd be coming back to my town at about 9.

i went out with lee for a bit, which was okay. then i went home and was bored til about 9.30. i called tom again, and all i got was this:

me: hey, it's meg.
tom: safe.
me: you in ______ yet?
tom: no.
me: do you know when you'll get here?
tom: dunno.

then he hung up on me.

so yeah, haven't spoken to him since then. there's not much i can do. if i text him or talk to him online, he can just ignore he and blame it on the technology. if i ring him, he doesn't answer, unless it's on withheld. and we're off school for a couple weeks now, so i wont even see him in school, so this SUCKS. why cant he just not be a dick to me? i dont get it- a couple weeks ago, he was texting me non-stop, always wanting to meet up, wanting me to stay round his, and now suddenly he's stealing money off me, ignoring me, and showing his pic of me to everyone.

ahrejkdngsjnglirn1ilhenrtlsjntrhgntj;knhsltnhlsnjlhtnt7nshlktnskgsrngvkhrbgkurgvberkibfaujknuygunhbcfiunusig4tymxtiiuermuegisgciyrmhgxuhumyxsrhgcsm37y1hrecuimvsubvse4yrmutbsdx943iysthm321cmrtugbhn6uirtcmhbs432i6ugsrutgms3rtjhbust5hbgutrmgcutrshgburnhiusgth9nrvgrutinvmhitroumhvgtriudtnvomhdrseyehtrhjhsryjrjytyggsdt5zfgxjhmxzsdjhgmyrtujigvxzsd21jfgtretyuiokjrsdfuhgjfhdfeiuywgtf4iygtu6yrgwyrwgw4uth4aiuygruyawtg4iu3aygwuytai4grutajuhgkuwgtfjhsfgrhesgswghrukygty78uiehgtsiuytgthyui.

anyway, enough about that. enough about everything, actually, cause i cant write any more.
i have no plans today, which is probably why i'm in a suckish mood, so if i keep ranting, i'm just gonna get more down.


bagpipes from baghdad - eminem
hello - eminem
same song and dance - eminem
we made you - eminem